Some cooking utensils are nice to have, but you can forgo them and still whip up a decent meal. But without a quality spatula, there is no meal—only half-burnt and half-uncooked ingredients.

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Every time I hear the word “spatula,” from a deeply strange nook of my psyche comes “Spatula City,” a jingle and ad from the 1989 “Weird Al” Yankovic movie “UHF,” touting a faux big-box store that ...